The Physical Manifestation of Anxiety
I feel my anxiety in my stomach. It churns; it burns. It is so intense. Sometimes, I feel it in my forehead too, and my neck. I clench my thighs, lower back, and abdomen. My stomach is burning, churning, and whirlpooling, all at once, causing or at least contributing to my acid reflux.
Paralyzed by Anxiety
I feel like I am spinning, or like I have fallen off a tall building, like I have lost all control. The anxiety says: Do this, do that - you must act, or you will surely die. But instead, I freeze. I sit still, the world spinning on as I am anchored to one spot. I need to do the things. I want to the things, so that terrible things won't happen. But my body won't move. My brain races with thoughts of worst-case scenarios, but my body stays still. Why?
Anxiety as a Moral Failing
I was raised to believe that anxiety is a lack of faith in God. To be anxious is to be in sin. But that's okay, dear sinner, because God forgives you. So just stop being anxious, okay?
None of these beliefs ever offered me any relief whatsoever. In fact, these beliefs made my anxiety worse because now, not only was I anxious, I was also failing morally, by committing the sin of anxiety, which ironically created more anxiety, pulling me into a loop of terror. If you were a better person, you would trust God. Jesus told you not to worry, after all. Chill out, you little piece of shit.
Finding Myself Outside Religion
I have not clung to the religion of my youth, for the most part I have let it go. Trying to be a good Christian did not make me a better person, but oddly enough, letting go of Christianity did. I became more empathetic, more understanding of human complexity. More willing to see the gray areas. My anxiety is not gone, but my world is wide open and so much more beautiful than before.
Leaving the worldview in which you were raised and on which the entire foundation of your life has been built is anxiety-inducing in its own right. But looking back, I don't think I ever truly believed. I forced myself to believe that I believed because I had no other options, except for the firey furnace.
Comfort in Chaos
These days, I like to think that the universe is chaotic and nonsensical and that we do not bring our troubles upon ourselves. I find comfort in that. I am not anxious because of my choices or moral failings; I am anxious due to my unique brain chemistry and my unique experiences. I could not have changed anything that led me to this point.
Strategies for Managing Anxiety
However, I can do what I can, right now, within the limitations of my situation, to help myself. So I go to talk therapy. I take Prozac and Welburtrin. Sometimes, I meditate or do yoga. I practice deep diaphragmatic breathing. If I am incredibly anxious, I put an ice cube on my face to bring my brain back to the present moment.
Once, I put an ice cube on my face and immediately began to sob. Sometimes, the present is unpleasant, but we must be there nonetheless. Sometimes, you need to sob.
Embracing My Sensitivity
I am highly sensitive and deeply internal. It is hard to be this way, but I am also creative, kind, and sometimes pretty funny, if I do say so myself.
I want to be me; but I'd like to be a less anxious version of me.
Continuing the Journey
So, I will keep going to therapy. I'll keep taking my Prozac and Welbutrin. I'll keep breathing and yoga-ing and putting ice cubes on my face.
Life is short and long all at the same time, and I have the time I need to become the person I want to be.